The sting of infertility

Yea, Yea.

I know I just changed the blog to being overwhelmed by joy and all that…

but I want to tackle a subject that will always remain close to my heart.

One that I probably wouldn’t have posted about before Mary Alice entered our little family because of the fear of seeming like a bitter woman.

Infertility is horrible.

It is a terrible place to be.

It is isolating, depressing, lonely, painful, draining and discouraging.

It is lifelong.

I am infertile. I have a daughter, yes, but I also have Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome.

I am not saying that NO ONE who is diagnosed as “infertile” stays that way forever. Unfortunately, a lot do. I probably will. Unless God has a miracle of great proportions planned (which he could), I will always be infertile.

I am at peace with this fact. What I am not a peace with is how difficult it is for women to talk about in the public sector. By public I mean; at church, at family gatherings, with friends, on Facebook…

It is such an isolating problem. You don’t want to yell it from the rooftops because of shame, denial, embarrassment, fear, anger, jealousy, or the one thousand other emotions that come with infertility.

It is a problem that all too often remains hidden and grows bitterness in the heart of the infertile woman. Bitterness against the world. Against the way the world is “supposed” to work.

“Why is it so easy for everyone else?”

“What I wouldn’t give to be able to not THINK about my ability to grow my family.”

“Does she realize how lucky she is?”

“Will I ever hold a child that is mine?”

“Why can’t the doctor at least tell me WHY?!”

So many questions, some of which we don’t know the answers to.

We have had the official diagnosis of infertility since 2010 and I look at pictures taken during the last 2 years before MA came home and I can’t believe how normal I look.

No one could see my heart breaking into 1,000 pieces every day. No one could see the pain. The loneliness. The fear. Can you?

It was there. Always bubbling just under the surface.

Would I trade my daughter for fertility? Nope. I wouldn’t. I will gladly live with the sting of infertility for the rest of my life to enjoy the blessing that is my sweet daughter. She didn’t come from my body but my love for her is seared on my heart.

I remember looking at the camera for this picture thinking that if I was any happier my heart would just burst out of my body. I don’t think I have ever been more grateful or more overwhelmed by joy.

The Life Of Faith

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14 Responses to The sting of infertility

  1. Well you know I can related to basically every single word in this post. It is isolating. It is hard. It is frustrating. And sometimes, it’s hard to remember that God is good.

  2. luggagelady says:

    YOU are amazing, and your sweet daughter adorable. I wish you a lifetime full of heart-bursting joy!! xo

  3. Caitlin says:

    Most people are just unaware of the pain of infertility and miscarriage. Glad you have decided to share your journey. MA is too precious!

  4. Elizabeth says:

    YES! YES! YES!!! Thanks for writing so honestly and openly! I feel exactly the same way you do! Wouldn’t trade it for the world because it has brought us our children, but it’s also not a grief that just disappears upon becoming a parent. Facebook ultrasound pictures are so hard when you don’t feel ‘normal.’ I actually just unsubscribed to someone today. :/ Thanks for helping me feel more normal. LOVE your blog!!

  5. Elizabeth says:

    Well, I should say it has brought US our son and YOU your daughter, so that’s where I get “children” from. My husband and I don’t have plural children yet. I think I used a “misplace modifier” or something in my above comment to make it sound wrong.

  6. babyfoodscoopsnicole says:

    I have PCOS as well.. and two friends have come over to speak to me about it this very week, as they were both just diagnosed with PCOS as well. I think that while the “general population” won’t understand, we serve an amazing purpose to band together for support and understanding with others who struggle with infertility! Hugs, mama!

  7. April says:

    I know exactly how you feel- the PCOS and infertility part as well as the overwhelmed by joy part. I still can’t watch a movie/TV show involving pregnancy or giving birth without crying. Do I still want to get pregnant? Not at all, actually. But it brings back the sting, just for a moment. I’ll gladly bear the scars of infertility for the rest of my life in exchange for my daughter!

  8. Danielle :) says:

    EXACTLY! It’ll be 12 years in February. Yes, I keep track…not on purpose. I remember everything. Good stuff too! I think that’s what so hard about waiting for this 2nd child. 2 1/2 years later, I just sigh and ask God, “REALLY?!” We held our daughter for the first time the day after our 9th anniversary. That was God telling us, “Yes, really…it’s worth it. I keep my promises.” Even though it still hurts, and I have no desire whatsoever to give birth, I know God keeps His promises and He loves me. Always. Thanks for sharing your heart. I love you!

  9. found you on Mommy Moments Blog Hop! I have never been considered infertile, but I have suffered a miscarriage… and I had those exact feeling you described in this post. No one wants to talk about it among a group, but they don’t have any problem talking to you about it one-on-one. and that upsets me. I blog about it often even though my miscarriage was two years ago because even though I’ve accepted it I still have three children, one of which is in heaven, and I want people to know that I still love that child even though I never got to hold it. I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone about it except my husband and even he had a hard time comforting me. Overtime, the Lord has used that miscarriage to bring me closer to so many women in my life and has deepened some relationships, but sometimes that pain consumes me. The biggest thing I learned from my miscarriage is that the emotional pain from it or infertility isn’t of God…. it’s from Satan. The Lord has amazing plans for our lives and he allows nasty things to happen to us to glorify Him and to show others that because we rely on God we can get through anything. I’m sure you already know this, but it doesn’t hurt to reiterate it. I hope you have an amazing week! I’m so glad I found your blog.. I’m following you now and I can’t wait to see that little baby GROW! 🙂

  10. Tara I am so sorry. I also have PCOS. I am praying for you and your hubby. Your daughter is SO precious.

  11. Thank you for sharing this post. I am headed to the doctor for some problems I’ve been having (many of which seem to be part of a PCOS diagnosis). I really enjoyed reading this post from your heart. Thank you for your vulnerability. I’m a new reader from the Christian Ladies group : )

  12. Thank you for sharing so honestly and openly something so personal and painful for you. God bless you for your bravery!

  13. One thing that’s sometimes forgotten is how hard infertility is on the hubby too. I always knew I wanted to adopt, whether or not I had bio kids with my husband. Until a few months ago, we were told we had unexplained infertility (this summer we found out I have endometriosis and some other issues that probably affect fertility). We’ve had a lot of losses during our five years of marriage from a car accident that caused me 2 hip surgeries and ongoing therapy, expensive damage to our home, my illness and inability to work as a nurse anymore, 2 failed adoption attempts. Infertility felt to us like one more cruel blow. We really felt like Job. We kept grieving, but also choosing to believe that God is still good and has good plans for us. It seemed like when one of us was downhearted, the other one had enough faith to carry him/her along. I’m so thankful for Shawn. It’s really true that in our weakness His strength is made known.

  14. Your transparent heart is moving. I have struggled to get pregnant but not dealt with infertility. My prayer is that you will continue to know the joy of being a mother unto the glory of God. Your daughter is precious. Thank you for sharing at WJIM. Blessings.

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