I know I just changed the blog to being overwhelmed by joy and all that…
but I want to tackle a subject that will always remain close to my heart.
One that I probably wouldn’t have posted about before Mary Alice entered our little family because of the fear of seeming like a bitter woman.
Infertility is horrible.
It is a terrible place to be.
It is isolating, depressing, lonely, painful, draining and discouraging.
It is lifelong.
I am infertile. I have a daughter, yes, but I also have Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome.
I am not saying that NO ONE who is diagnosed as “infertile” stays that way forever. Unfortunately, a lot do. I probably will. Unless God has a miracle of great proportions planned (which he could), I will always be infertile.
I am at peace with this fact. What I am not a peace with is how difficult it is for women to talk about in the public sector. By public I mean; at church, at family gatherings, with friends, on Facebook…
It is such an isolating problem. You don’t want to yell it from the rooftops because of shame, denial, embarrassment, fear, anger, jealousy, or the one thousand other emotions that come with infertility.
It is a problem that all too often remains hidden and grows bitterness in the heart of the infertile woman. Bitterness against the world. Against the way the world is “supposed” to work.
“Why is it so easy for everyone else?”
“What I wouldn’t give to be able to not THINK about my ability to grow my family.”
“Does she realize how lucky she is?”
“Will I ever hold a child that is mine?”
“Why can’t the doctor at least tell me WHY?!”
So many questions, some of which we don’t know the answers to.
We have had the official diagnosis of infertility since 2010 and I look at pictures taken during the last 2 years before MA came home and I can’t believe how normal I look.
No one could see my heart breaking into 1,000 pieces every day. No one could see the pain. The loneliness. The fear. Can you?
It was there. Always bubbling just under the surface.
Would I trade my daughter for fertility? Nope. I wouldn’t. I will gladly live with the sting of infertility for the rest of my life to enjoy the blessing that is my sweet daughter. She didn’t come from my body but my love for her is seared on my heart.