Ease and Confidence

I want to preface this by saying, this is my opinion. If you don’t like it, don’t hate.

I first wrote this post on May 1, 2012 toward the end of our hard fight to bring home our daughter. I was at the end of my rope and tired of the question “how are you?” I was tired of the fight, tired of the struggle. I was weak and discouraged. Do you know someone in the place (may you are in that place?) well, this post is for you.  

Many times people have asked me, “how are you?” That combined with the pitying and knowing look in their eye, I know what they want to know.

Fine.

This may not be true, but if it isn’t I won’t be telling you.

“Oh, ok. Well, we are praying for you.”

What do you expect me to say? My heart is breaking? That I am bitter and angry and waiting to explode?

This question is generally asked by well meaning loving friends and family members after someone either 1) gets pregnant, 2) has a baby, or 3) gets to bring home their adopted children.

I know they mean well, really I do. I know I have asked the same types of questions of fellow longing-to-be-mommas.

I am here to tell any of you who either ask these questions or want to ask these questions.

I’m fine.

If I wasn’t I wouldn’t tell you. I am a grown up. I can handle any negative emotions I have without raining on your parade.

Yes, I envy mothers who give birth to their children but not in the way most of you expect. I don’t envy you your children. Keep them. I don’t want YOUR children.

I envy you something very different. Something I will call the Ease and Confidence of Motherhood. Taken offense yet? Stop reading.

Let’s start with the Ease of Motherhood. If you have struggled to conceive and carry your children through fertility treatments, miscarriages and heartbreak, I am simply not referring to you.

The Ease of Motherhood:

-You have sex

-You pee on a stick

-You celebrate (or sometimes sob)

-You go to many doctors appointments

-You give birth

-You celebrate (or sometimes sob)

-You are a mother.

That simply. You are a mother. With Ease. Nature took care of it for you.

The Confidence of Motherhood picks up where the Ease of motherhood ends.

-You look at your baby, he/she looks like you (or your spouse)

-Your baby listens to you, you sound like his/her mother

-Your baby snuggles close to you, you smell like his/her mother

-You go home.

No one stops you, questions your right to be your baby’s mother. Your qualifications to be your baby’s mother. You ARE your baby’s mother. Whether you are skilled enough, wealthy enough, old enough, or prepared enough.

This is all I ask for. The Ease and Confidence of Motherhood.

I go through the adoption process with my rights to be a mother and my confidence to be a mother questioned at every turn.

Do I make enough money?

Is my house clean and safe?

Am I physically healthy enough to care for a child?

Am I mentally stable enough to care for a child?

Can I bond with a child I didn’t carry in my body?

Can I facilitate a child bonding to me?

Can I successfully parent if that child (or I) do have problems with said bonding?

Can I answer with grace and dignity the embarrassingly intrusive and sometimes horribly rude questions that people ask about my right to mother? Even asked by people who I thought loved and respected me?

Can I stand up for my children when people say ignorant things to them?

Can I keep doors of communication open when my children ask hard and hurtful questions about their beginnings? The ones that don’t include me, and sometimes even, exclude me?

No I don’t want Your kids. I want to be a mother. With no questions and with confidence.

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7 Responses to Ease and Confidence

  1. Danielle :) says:

    I love it. SO much. So much I can’t even tell you how much…thank you!

  2. Sarah Yoder says:

    We don’t have kids so I am really not too qualified to speak about motherhood or adoption but this is still a GREAT post! Same ideas apply to many things in life. My hubbs and I are older, have been married for several years and “still” don’t have children. (Up until this point it has been our own choice) But people don’t know that…I can’t tell you how many people ask us ALL THE TIME… “don’t you have kids yet…are you going to have kids…don’t you want kids” – I don’t think that these people realize how insensative their questions are but I have often thought about the fact that if we were trying and for some reason not able…how hurtful these comments would be! Basically. most of the time peple just don’t THINK about what flies out of their mouth! LOL.

  3. lindsygriffis says:

    I love love love the honesty here. You don’t need to apologize for feeling that way. I feel like I had a tiny taste of that before we conceived out first with fertility tests and drugs and miscarriage. But I largely fall into the ease and confidence category. But thanks to you, I hope I can better love on my friends whose road has not been so easy. Thanks for sharing your heart.

  4. As someone who struggled with infertility for 6 years, I completely relate. Thanks for sharing your heart!

  5. Elizabeth says:

    Yes! Wonderfully said! I don’t know you personally, but I’m pretty confident that you are an amazing mother (WITH confidence)! 🙂

  6. Wow. Just wow. This is exactly right. Every word.

  7. Sarah T says:

    I did not have words to express this. Thank you for putting words to my feelings. It helps me where I’m at right now.

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